Towards the end of March I decided that I was going to get a personal trainer. Six weeks have passed by and its time to do a check in. Anyone who knows me well knows that I have seemed to make it my mission in life to avoid exercising. I hate it with every ounce of my being so every time I went to start a routine it was really hard to keep going.
It’s even harder when you are the queen of excuses. I’m good at making dumb shit up and believing my half-assed lies will make sense to others. Really it was a good way for me to give up on myself rather than staring defeat in its face. On some level exercise has always been one of those things that eludes me. Like it’s a piece of pie I was never meant to have a bite of. I figured if I took of a bite of that pie and I began to change people would react to me differently.
The way people treat you is more a direct correlation to your looks than your personality. So to me if I became the person I imagined then wouldn’t the people around me react to it? How would they treat me? Would I go from the invisible girl at the table to one of the girls in the spotlight? It’s the elephant in the room. We all know change is happening and we all know people can be cruel when others change, but no one wants to admit it.
Working out at the gym slowly has helped me to form a fitness routine. At first I only did 2-3 days a week. Just enough not to freak me out and two of those sessions had mandatory attendance thanks to my trainer. These past 2 weeks I have made it to the gym 5 times each week. Never in my life have I accomplished that! The staff at the gym and some of my coworkers say that I have lost weight and you can see it in my face. I haven’t noticed much of a change, but maybe it’s because I see myself everyday. Instead I have witnessed other changes.
I’d like to call these non-scale victories. The other day I jogged on the treadmill for a straight 20 minutes and didn’t die. The last time I ran at the gym I ran a total of 10 minutes through intervals. So I improved my running, woot!
When I began lifting weights I started at the bare minimum, but now I am lifting with added weight so I know that I have become a lot stronger. I have also improved my form while working out which in turn has helped to fix my posture. Which has made my back hurt so much less!
If I look at my small successes I can tell that my body is changing even though the scale has barely budged. Many women face that battle of trying to reconcile what they wish to see and what is reflected on the scale. When I look at the scale I think of how far I am from my goal weight, which keeps changing as I’m not sure what my body can comfortably handle. I need to remember that the scale isn’t important it’s how I feel and how happy I am with myself. So the goal has now become if I get to a size I’m happy with that is okay,too.
At the end of the day I still wonder when I reach my goal, will the world treat me differently? Will they be treating me differently thanks to my new image or my new-found confidence? Or will others wish for me not to be successful in order to make themselves feel better? At the end of they day, my mind still dwells on the unimportant questions. Maybe that’s because Mocha is a little sensitive to the world around her. I know that Mocha will figure it out and one day learn to silence the swirling thoughts with her bark, haha.