My poor blog has had little love over the last few months, but it is not the only thing that I have paid less attention to. Since becoming a mom, some of the things I like to do have fallen to the side as I tend to end up scrolling social media instead when I am ‘resting.’ But is that even resting? I find it gives me more anxiety about life than it should. Sadly, social media addiction is real and many of us deal with it every day. The neverending refresh button of highlight reels we can compare ourselves to on the daily. I am sure I am far from the only one.
I can not blame motherhood for my lack of pursuing hobbies I loved when I was younger, or did not love and would like to pursue as an adult. That comes down to me, my ambition, dedication and discipline. Which all sound like terrible words when it comes to doing hobbies you enjoy or would like to enjoy. Perhaps utilizing phrases like ‘engages the soul’ or ‘feeds the mind’ ‘ nourishes our interests’ or whatever new age crap sounds good is better. The truth of the matter is it comes down to myself why old hobbies and new hobbies are currently MIA. It comes from internalizing shit people told me as a kid and young adult, that became the background soundtrack of my mind. Why hum a tune when it can just be on replay mode? Stopping the soundtrack is hard. I have been working on it for a few years, but it is still hard.
I have been relatively quiet about life changes and one of the biggest ones has been changing jobs. This is my second day at my new job, first day at my second school. Both schools are laid out differently, have different sets of teachers, and I’m not sure what other similarities and differences will appear as time goes by. Choosing to switch jobs gave me a lot of anxiety and I mulled over it for about six months and last minute decided I needed something better to provide for my family.
If you had asked me when I was younger if I would have bed-shared, I may have said no. But that answer would have been a lie as it goes against who I have always been as a person.
When I was 16, I babysat my newborn cousin for 40 hours a week during one summer. When it was time for a nap, she would fall asleep many times on my chest while I watched TV on the couch. It was not the safest practice, but it is what I did at that time.
Lately, I have decided to start following more people on Instagram who talk about budgeting, personal finance, financial independence, wealth building, etc. The reason is simple, I am broke, but not for long. That is the key, I am intentional that this is only a phase. I have to admit I don’t have the best financial habits at the moment, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have good ones.
I’m unbalanced at best, a procrastinating bum at worst, but really my life is just not where I want it to be. This nagging feeling of being off my game (was I ever even on it?), has lead to a lot of anxiety and stress, which has in no uncertain terms made me a lazy fuck.
I’ve been a part of a private resolution group for three years now where we aim to hit 70% completion. Last year, was my best year at 45-52% depending on how I calculated my success rate.
I like keeping resolutions as it is a reference point of something I want to work on, but might not check in on it again until the end of the year. So the group at least reminds myself that I need to check in to see if I am trying to stay on track. Life also happens and some resolutions get derailed, that is okay. Keeping resolutions has taught me to be gentler with myself and to celebrate all of my small victories. I’ve learned to strive for progress, not perfection.
The other day a good friend posted how 2020 went for them and I felt inspired by it. Maybe, I too can share some of my year here. Maybe my ups and downs will make others realize its okay to have them too, to be honest they exist.
35. Thirty- five. ༣༥. སུམ་ཅུ་སོ་ལྔ། 서른 다섯. 三十五. They all say the same: 35. I’m not sure where I thought I would be at 35. But here I am a few hours before I officially hit the mid-thirty mark. If I have a short life span and die at 70 well I’m halfway through my life and that just makes me go: what the fuck…