I am Unbalanced

I am Unbalanced

I’m unbalanced at best, a procrastinating bum at worst, but really my life is just not where I want it to be. This nagging feeling of being off my game (was I ever even on it?), has lead to a lot of anxiety and stress, which has in no uncertain terms made me a lazy fuck.

Blood/ Moro orange

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2021 Resolutions

2021 Resolutions

I’ve been a part of a private resolution group for three years now where we aim to hit 70% completion. Last year, was my best year at 45-52% depending on how I calculated my success rate.

Affirmations from last year’s Bujo.

I like keeping resolutions as it is a reference point of something I want to work on, but might not check in on it again until the end of the year. So the group at least reminds myself that I need to check in to see if I am trying to stay on track. Life also happens and some resolutions get derailed, that is okay. Keeping resolutions has taught me to be gentler with myself and to celebrate all of my small victories. I’ve learned to strive for progress, not perfection.

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35 is Looking Me in The Face

35 is Looking Me in The Face

35. Thirty- five. ༣༥. སུམ་ཅུ་སོ་ལྔ། 서른 다섯. 三十五. They all say the same: 35. I’m not sure where I thought I would be at 35. But here I am a few hours before I officially hit the mid-thirty mark. If I have a short life span and die at 70 well I’m halfway through my life and that just makes me go: what the fuck…

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35 Insights From New Motherhood

35 Insights From New Motherhood

Enjoying some time outside with my daughter.

Every year in November, I begin to think of a list that I should write for my next birthday. It gets harder as it gets longer each year, but I think it is a good way to review the year or propose something for the year ahead. This year since I came into motherhood right before I turned 34, I decided it would be nice to reflect on it for my 35th birthday. I need to actually write about my 35th birthday in particular, but we shall save that for another post. So here are my 35 insights over the past year, many people might not agree and that is fine with me.

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Birthday Anxiety

Birthday Anxiety

Today was my daughter’s first birthday. We had a wonderful small and intimate party here at our house with my husband and his brother, and one close friend of ours. I also called home and did a videochat with the family and it was wonderful to see everyone’s faces on the screen at once while singing happy birthday and enjoying whatever S did.

My diy birthday garland.

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Holiday Alone Advice

Holiday Alone Advice

The holidays are fast approaching and how I’ll be spending them came to mind. Although not much will change for me with how I keep in touch with family, I realize most of my friends and family back home might be experiencing their first holiday alone. Perhaps I can offer some insight into how to celebrate the holidays apart from loved ones.

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Motherhood

Motherhood

Motherhood I have always dreamed of since childhood

Motherhood was once what I thought might never happen

Motherhood I have now entered and yet

Motherhood is not what I envisioned

Motherhood isn’t the one of my dreams

Motherhood came crashing down on me unexpectedly

Motherhood that wasn’t ready for a preemie

Motherhood that has been dotted with anxiety

Motherhood during a pandemic

Motherhood with limited interaction

Motherhood felt with moments of isolation

Motherhood filled with thoughts of ‘Am I bad mother?’

Motherhood where on tired days the shitty displays of anger and snappyness I inherited show their faces

Motherhood has been an honor

Motherhood is a blessing

Motherhood is a part of life I had been longing for and now enjoy

Motherhood is like a mountain I have never climbed

Motherhood with silent battles inside my mind

Motherhood of trying to find myself

Motherhood that is shaped by my beliefs to do better for my daughter

Motherhood that has left me wondering why did this too go so unplanned and unexpected

Motherhood that is thankful we are both healthy

Motherhood that tells me it’s okay to mourn a pregnancy not carried to term

Motherhood that tells me it’s okay to mourn the birth experience I never got

Motherhood that tells me it’s okay to feel sad

Motherhood that sings lullabies to my child while I cry

Motherhood that needs the baby cuddles for myself as much as her

Motherhood that came with little support and love nearby

Motherhood that was navigated alone

Motherhood that longs for extended family and friends from time to time

Motherhood that finds joy in each new skill obtained by my daughter

Motherhood that finds my daughter’s smile infectiously joyous

Motherhood that enjoys sleeping side by side at night

Motherhood is another part of life that didn’t start smoothly like others, and yet this

Motherhood is my own compass to navigate