Writer’s Block

Writer’s Block

For the past year or two, I have had nothing but writer’s block it feels like. What can I write? Why should I write? Do I even have anything to say? Sometimes I think I don’t have the time for the blog, but that is not true. I do have the time, I do not write. Writing has always been my outlet in life for how I am feeling.

Whenever there was a tough feeling or time I was going through I wrote to get through it. Since I had my daughter, it seems that I have not devoted as much time to writing. It isn’t that I do not write, I write seldomly in my journal, or I have mental dialogues with myself about how I feel or what I want to say they just never make it to paper or text. Is my lack of writing the state of my mind? Or is it just I haven’t found a use for the blog in a while? I am not really sure of the answer.

I love writing. I love expressing myself through it and my ideas, especially when I want to avoid confrontation face to face. Even now, I do not know what to write in this blog post. Perhaps that is the very essence of writer’s block, or perhaps the loss of the writer’s will or light. We all go through ups and downs in life and perhaps a writing block is just a reflection of our mind being unable to reflect what we want to output in another medium, not that we actually lack any thought to be shared.

Tomorrow is another day, and maybe tomorrow will be the day that I finally begin writing more again. Until then I will have to think of my 37 list to post for my 37th birthday. Not sure of what I want to do with my list, but I have time to think.

October 2022 Update

October 2022 Update

I haven’t written on this blog in 7 months, and I am not surprised. I have thought about it often and realized I have left the blog unloved, perhaps looking back I can realize my lack of writing is also tied to how I am doing on some inner level along with the fact my daughter and I are still apart. I haven’t written a post about my feelings on it, and yet I think I will at some point. These past 9 months have been hard on me between work and my personal life and it has reflected in my mental and physical health.

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A Part of Me Apart From You

A Part of Me Apart From You

Before dawn lit the sky

We had to part amid

Tears and screams of ‘Ama’

Penetrating the cold air

I passed you to your grandmother

Whispering, “I love you” and giving a quick kiss

Swiftly the door was shut

The two of us cried for each other

Your arms reaching for me

While mine weighed heavily at my side

Slowly the window was rolled up to drown out your cries

This mother of yours never stopped looking into your eyes

Until the car drove off

Tears rolling down her cheeks

And cries escaping her lips

An emptiness that can’t be described on the car ride home

The babbles and laughter have all gone

And an eery quiet has overtaken our home

Today will be hard as this heart aches

Today Tomorrow and the days after that

My heart will long to embrace

And kiss your tiny face

This first separation although brief is

Only the beginning of the ones to come

My beloved child, we are apart yet

I am a part of you

You a part of I

No matter where we are

We are under the same sky

36 Affirmations

36 Affirmations

Happy 36th birthday to me and I am back with a list. Because that is the tradition I started at 30 and I will keep it going. This year I chose affirmations for myself to read now and then to give myself a little boost. A few of these affirmations are actually aspirations for me like numbers 8 and 9. A few also tell me that I can be successful at change and that I just need the reminder to believe in myself. So enjoy the 36 affirmations below and let me know what affirmations you use for yourself in the comments.

  1. I am a phenomenal loving mother.
  2. I prioritize self-care.
  3. I am an artist.
  4. I am a photographer.
  5. I am a writer.
  6. I am a good wife.
  7. I am a good friend.
  8. I am an avid reader.
  9. I am a devout Buddhist.
  10. I am a budding polyglot.
  11. I am capable of improving my Tibetan.
  12. I am a fabulous teacher.
  13. I am strong.
  14. I am resilient.
  15. I am free from the chains of social media.
  16. I am a good baker.
  17. I am a cook.
  18. I am a storyteller.
  19. I am determined to achieve my goals.
  20. I am not my bad habits.
  21. I am an exercise enthusiast.
  22. I prioritize my health.
  23. I am a plant that needs daily sunshine.
  24. I am a traveler.
  25. I am a saver.
  26. I am creative.
  27. I deserve to start my morning in tranquility.
  28. I will be financially independent.
  29. I will direct my money to wear it should go.
  30. I am beautiful.
  31. I will be successful raising a bilingual child.
  32. I am a a mindful eater.
  33. I will enjoy the aroma of my coffee.
  34. I will water my mind and body more.
  35. I prioritize time with my daughter and husband.
  36. I am the woman I envision.
Budding Language

Budding Language

A few close friends and family know that I have been a little on edge about my daughter’s language development due to the fact that when we walk outside everyone’s child is monolingual and they seem to possess a higher language ability than my own daughter. This creates unnecessary worry and anxiety in me than I need, but I have been asking around and learning different opinions and facts on this. For the record, my daughter is fine, and I am not worried that she will speak well when she is ready. In fact, as we speak her budding language ability is showing.

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A Lack of Interests

A Lack of Interests

My poor blog has had little love over the last few months, but it is not the only thing that I have paid less attention to. Since becoming a mom, some of the things I like to do have fallen to the side as I tend to end up scrolling social media instead when I am ‘resting.’ But is that even resting? I find it gives me more anxiety about life than it should. Sadly, social media addiction is real and many of us deal with it every day. The neverending refresh button of highlight reels we can compare ourselves to on the daily. I am sure I am far from the only one.

I can not blame motherhood for my lack of pursuing hobbies I loved when I was younger, or did not love and would like to pursue as an adult. That comes down to me, my ambition, dedication and discipline. Which all sound like terrible words when it comes to doing hobbies you enjoy or would like to enjoy. Perhaps utilizing phrases like ‘engages the soul’ or ‘feeds the mind’ ‘ nourishes our interests’ or whatever new age crap sounds good is better. The truth of the matter is it comes down to myself why old hobbies and new hobbies are currently MIA. It comes from internalizing shit people told me as a kid and young adult, that became the background soundtrack of my mind. Why hum a tune when it can just be on replay mode? Stopping the soundtrack is hard. I have been working on it for a few years, but it is still hard.

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New Job Jitters

New Job Jitters

I have been relatively quiet about life changes and one of the biggest ones has been changing jobs. This is my second day at my new job, first day at my second school. Both schools are laid out differently, have different sets of teachers, and I’m not sure what other similarities and differences will appear as time goes by. Choosing to switch jobs gave me a lot of anxiety and I mulled over it for about six months and last minute decided I needed something better to provide for my family.

My new office at one school

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I Am A Cosleeper

I Am A Cosleeper

If you had asked me when I was younger if I would have bed-shared, I may have said no. But that answer would have been a lie as it goes against who I have always been as a person.

Cosleeping in hubby’s hometown when S was only 2 months old.

When I was 16, I babysat my newborn cousin for 40 hours a week during one summer. When it was time for a nap, she would fall asleep many times on my chest while I watched TV on the couch. It was not the safest practice, but it is what I did at that time.

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Financial Literacy

Financial Literacy

Lately, I have decided to start following more people on Instagram who talk about budgeting, personal finance, financial independence, wealth building, etc. The reason is simple, I am broke, but not for long. That is the key, I am intentional that this is only a phase. I have to admit I don’t have the best financial habits at the moment, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have good ones.

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