Exploring My New Neighborhood

Near the school.

I’ve been in Chengdu for almost 2 weeks now and it has taken me a bit of time to get adjusted. Chengdu is very different to my experience of being in Korea. During my first couple of days I did a lot of running around and going to various places to get things sorted, there are still a few things left to sort, but hopefully they will be done by the end of the month. Continue reading “Exploring My New Neighborhood”

Paperwork For China

For the past two months I have been diligently working towards obtaining a job in Chengdu, China. It has been a long process with more leg work than I put in to get to Korea. The easiest part for me has been the interviews as now that I have 4 years of experience, I interview a lot better than I did when I had none! Continue reading “Paperwork For China”

Mocha Diaries: Mourning Changing Friendships

I have been mulling over this topic by myself for the past few months. For a long time the thought had always existed, but I never really probed into it more, because I was in a place where I could only focus on getting by day-to-day. Since I have been home for a while now, I’ve been lucky enough to have the space to mull over my thoughts without having too much background noise. This is the one place where I occasionally see friends, otherwise I am always by myself.  Continue reading “Mocha Diaries: Mourning Changing Friendships”

Mocha Diaries: My Friend, Anxiety

For a long time, I thought I was a person who ebbed in and out of minor low-lying depression. I never imagined I actually had anxiety problems as well. I occasionally have bouts of anxiety, which are normally triggered by something small. Normally it isn’t the end of the world, but I’ve realized if I have felt stressed about something for a few days to weeks then at some point anxiety is bound to hit me until I can calm down. Sometimes it takes a few hours or a good nights rest, if I’m able to sleep.

Continue reading “Mocha Diaries: My Friend, Anxiety”

Mocha Diaries: FOMO

Ever since I can remember I have suffered from FOMO ( Fear of missing out). I never really knew why it was so important to me to be like everyone else and have a similar existence, but I feared if I didn’t then I would regret it. I remember in high school it was particularly strong. I had a fear of missing out on homecoming and prom, even though I had no interest in either and I actually wish I hadn’t worried so much about being in attendance. That fear made me dismiss my thought of becoming an exchange student my junior year in high school, because I’d be missing out on the typical American high school life experiences.

Continue reading “Mocha Diaries: FOMO”

Mocha Diaries: The Power of No

When I was young I was a very timid child outside of the house. It was almost like I had split personalities inside and outside. My youngest sister brought this to my attention when I was in high school and was in utter disbelief that I was the same person in school as I was at home. Scenarios can makes us change to fit in or stand out. I think my early years of being overly shy when meeting strangers and not wanting to draw attention to myself has had interesting effects on who I am today. Continue reading “Mocha Diaries: The Power of No”

Mocha Diaries: The Clouds Are Lifting

It has been a while now since the clouds have been lifting out of my life. That’s my little metaphor for my depression and anxiety issues at hand. Since I turned 30 I have been on a slow but steady incline toward a more sound mind. I’m not sure what exactly triggered it, but I’m thankful that my mind is more peaceful than it has been in a decade or two. Continue reading “Mocha Diaries: The Clouds Are Lifting”

Mocha Diaries: Of Blue Skies and Kimchi Cravings

I’ve been home for almost 5 months and the adjustment has not been easy on me. I always felt toward the end of my stay in Korea that I didn’t belong or quite fit in. Now being home I feel the same way. It was a dreaded feeling I carried deep in my chest that I didn’t really belong or fit in anywhere.

I’ve always felt odd, like I was the odd woman out. Never quite fitting in, always somehow different. I missed blue skies like crazy in South Korea. When the sky was a brilliant blue I’d be dazzled with it and I developed an obsession of looking up and admiring the skyline throughout my day. The skies are certainly bluer here but they aren’t as blue as I remember. There are stunning days yes, but if you really want to see stunning skies go where there is less pollution and people. The western half of the USA has a beautiful skyline to be admired and it is worth taking a trip out there! I know I am so grateful for having the chance to take a trip around the USA.

I’m happy to enjoy the sky more now, but it comes with a longing for the dull moments of usual life back during my four years in South Korea. I miss the chaos and people everywhere that used to make me scream on the inside, because they weren’t walking fast enough. I miss the minor interactions in another language through out my day, sometimes putting a smile on my face. I miss eating Korean food whenever I wanted for cheap. As depressed as I was in many ways I miss the people, my school, my kids, my life. The closeness of everything that a city has to offer.

Coming from a city of 3 million people back down to a town of under 20,000 really makes a difference in one’s life. The worst part is I don’t really have friends nearby anymore, and if they are in driving distance they are still very far away. I can’t reach out and say let’s get a coffee and meet in 15 minutes. I don’t have that luxury anymore, and at times it drives me crazy. I feel isolated, alone, and alien – like. I don’t know how to fit in anymore. My life has diverged so far off the path in both places where I’ve lived it’s as if I’ve created a deserted island with no one  on it but me. I’m at a point my energy is so low, but I’m trying extra hard to keep it high and accomplishing small things everyday. Sometimes I wonder why things never go smoothly for me…is it me? Is it the world? Do I have shit luck?

I’m not really sure about it all but I know I’ll keep admiring blue skies and craving kimchi for probably as long as I’m going to be alive. I figure at some point I’ll figure everything out and I’ll be able to float by here while figuring out where my life should be headed next.

I’ve Got No Energy For You Now

When I was in middle school and high school I used to write a lot of poetry, not that it was great but I enjoyed expressing myself that way. Now I don’t do it, but maybe once or twice a year and it is a fleeting thing that normally gets thrown out and never sees the light of day. I’m not the best poet, I don’t really follow any rules, it’s just a way and format to express myself as feelings are rolling through me. So here is my first attempt at a poem in a while. Continue reading “I’ve Got No Energy For You Now”

USA Road Trip: Part 2

Hanging out in Colorado.

We left Colorado on Tuesday afternoon and drove until we were about an hour away from the Four Corners Monument. We slept in the hotel for the night since we knew we’d be camping for the next few days without being able to use a shower. There are no showers at most primitive camping sites in case you were wondering. We woke up super early and flew into the Four Corners Monument right as it opened at 8 a.m. We walked around for a few minutes and headed back to the car.  Continue reading “USA Road Trip: Part 2”