My poor blog has had little love over the last few months, but it is not the only thing that I have paid less attention to. Since becoming a mom, some of the things I like to do have fallen to the side as I tend to end up scrolling social media instead when I am ‘resting.’ But is that even resting? I find it gives me more anxiety about life than it should. Sadly, social media addiction is real and many of us deal with it every day. The neverending refresh button of highlight reels we can compare ourselves to on the daily. I am sure I am far from the only one.
I can not blame motherhood for my lack of pursuing hobbies I loved when I was younger, or did not love and would like to pursue as an adult. That comes down to me, my ambition, dedication and discipline. Which all sound like terrible words when it comes to doing hobbies you enjoy or would like to enjoy. Perhaps utilizing phrases like ‘engages the soul’ or ‘feeds the mind’ ‘ nourishes our interests’ or whatever new age crap sounds good is better. The truth of the matter is it comes down to myself why old hobbies and new hobbies are currently MIA. It comes from internalizing shit people told me as a kid and young adult, that became the background soundtrack of my mind. Why hum a tune when it can just be on replay mode? Stopping the soundtrack is hard. I have been working on it for a few years, but it is still hard.
If you had asked me when I was younger if I would have bed-shared, I may have said no. But that answer would have been a lie as it goes against who I have always been as a person.
When I was 16, I babysat my newborn cousin for 40 hours a week during one summer. When it was time for a nap, she would fall asleep many times on my chest while I watched TV on the couch. It was not the safest practice, but it is what I did at that time.
I’m unbalanced at best, a procrastinating bum at worst, but really my life is just not where I want it to be. This nagging feeling of being off my game (was I ever even on it?), has lead to a lot of anxiety and stress, which has in no uncertain terms made me a lazy fuck.
The other day a good friend posted how 2020 went for them and I felt inspired by it. Maybe, I too can share some of my year here. Maybe my ups and downs will make others realize its okay to have them too, to be honest they exist.
35. Thirty- five. ༣༥. སུམ་ཅུ་སོ་ལྔ། 서른 다섯. 三十五. They all say the same: 35. I’m not sure where I thought I would be at 35. But here I am a few hours before I officially hit the mid-thirty mark. If I have a short life span and die at 70 well I’m halfway through my life and that just makes me go: what the fuck…
Every year in November, I begin to think of a list that I should write for my next birthday. It gets harder as it gets longer each year, but I think it is a good way to review the year or propose something for the year ahead. This year since I came into motherhood right before I turned 34, I decided it would be nice to reflect on it for my 35th birthday. I need to actually write about my 35th birthday in particular, but we shall save that for another post. So here are my 35 insights over the past year, many people might not agree and that is fine with me.
Today was my daughter’s first birthday. We had a wonderful small and intimate party here at our house with my husband and his brother, and one close friend of ours. I also called home and did a videochat with the family and it was wonderful to see everyone’s faces on the screen at once while singing happy birthday and enjoying whatever S did.
Here in Chengdu there is a GGI ( Girl Gone International) wechat group which also has a fitness sub-group. As fate would have it August had a squat challenge and I decided to join to prove to myself I can keep a commitment.
I’ve been meaning to write about this for awhile, but I never got around to it. It’s funny, but from the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew I would give birth early, I figured it would be around Christmas, just hopefully not on Christmas.