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Tag: Thoughts

Writer’s Block

Writer’s Block

For the past year or two, I have had nothing but writer’s block it feels like. What can I write? Why should I write? Do I even have anything to say? Sometimes I think I don’t have the time for the blog, but that is not true. I do have the time, I do not write. Writing has always been my outlet in life for how I am feeling.

Whenever there was a tough feeling or time I was going through I wrote to get through it. Since I had my daughter, it seems that I have not devoted as much time to writing. It isn’t that I do not write, I write seldomly in my journal, or I have mental dialogues with myself about how I feel or what I want to say they just never make it to paper or text. Is my lack of writing the state of my mind? Or is it just I haven’t found a use for the blog in a while? I am not really sure of the answer.

I love writing. I love expressing myself through it and my ideas, especially when I want to avoid confrontation face to face. Even now, I do not know what to write in this blog post. Perhaps that is the very essence of writer’s block, or perhaps the loss of the writer’s will or light. We all go through ups and downs in life and perhaps a writing block is just a reflection of our mind being unable to reflect what we want to output in another medium, not that we actually lack any thought to be shared.

Tomorrow is another day, and maybe tomorrow will be the day that I finally begin writing more again. Until then I will have to think of my 37 list to post for my 37th birthday. Not sure of what I want to do with my list, but I have time to think.

October 2022 Update

October 2022 Update

I haven’t written on this blog in 7 months, and I am not surprised. I have thought about it often and realized I have left the blog unloved, perhaps looking back I can realize my lack of writing is also tied to how I am doing on some inner level along with the fact my daughter and I are still apart. I haven’t written a post about my feelings on it, and yet I think I will at some point. These past 9 months have been hard on me between work and my personal life and it has reflected in my mental and physical health.

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A Lack of Interests

A Lack of Interests

My poor blog has had little love over the last few months, but it is not the only thing that I have paid less attention to. Since becoming a mom, some of the things I like to do have fallen to the side as I tend to end up scrolling social media instead when I am ‘resting.’ But is that even resting? I find it gives me more anxiety about life than it should. Sadly, social media addiction is real and many of us deal with it every day. The neverending refresh button of highlight reels we can compare ourselves to on the daily. I am sure I am far from the only one.

I can not blame motherhood for my lack of pursuing hobbies I loved when I was younger, or did not love and would like to pursue as an adult. That comes down to me, my ambition, dedication and discipline. Which all sound like terrible words when it comes to doing hobbies you enjoy or would like to enjoy. Perhaps utilizing phrases like ‘engages the soul’ or ‘feeds the mind’ ‘ nourishes our interests’ or whatever new age crap sounds good is better. The truth of the matter is it comes down to myself why old hobbies and new hobbies are currently MIA. It comes from internalizing shit people told me as a kid and young adult, that became the background soundtrack of my mind. Why hum a tune when it can just be on replay mode? Stopping the soundtrack is hard. I have been working on it for a few years, but it is still hard.

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I Am A Cosleeper

I Am A Cosleeper

If you had asked me when I was younger if I would have bed-shared, I may have said no. But that answer would have been a lie as it goes against who I have always been as a person.

Cosleeping in hubby’s hometown when S was only 2 months old.

When I was 16, I babysat my newborn cousin for 40 hours a week during one summer. When it was time for a nap, she would fall asleep many times on my chest while I watched TV on the couch. It was not the safest practice, but it is what I did at that time.

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I am Unbalanced

I am Unbalanced

I’m unbalanced at best, a procrastinating bum at worst, but really my life is just not where I want it to be. This nagging feeling of being off my game (was I ever even on it?), has lead to a lot of anxiety and stress, which has in no uncertain terms made me a lazy fuck.

Blood/ Moro orange

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35 is Looking Me in The Face

35 is Looking Me in The Face

35. Thirty- five. ༣༥. སུམ་ཅུ་སོ་ལྔ། 서른 다섯. 三十五. They all say the same: 35. I’m not sure where I thought I would be at 35. But here I am a few hours before I officially hit the mid-thirty mark. If I have a short life span and die at 70 well I’m halfway through my life and that just makes me go: what the fuck…

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35 Insights From New Motherhood

35 Insights From New Motherhood

Enjoying some time outside with my daughter.

Every year in November, I begin to think of a list that I should write for my next birthday. It gets harder as it gets longer each year, but I think it is a good way to review the year or propose something for the year ahead. This year since I came into motherhood right before I turned 34, I decided it would be nice to reflect on it for my 35th birthday. I need to actually write about my 35th birthday in particular, but we shall save that for another post. So here are my 35 insights over the past year, many people might not agree and that is fine with me.

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Birthday Anxiety

Birthday Anxiety

Today was my daughter’s first birthday. We had a wonderful small and intimate party here at our house with my husband and his brother, and one close friend of ours. I also called home and did a videochat with the family and it was wonderful to see everyone’s faces on the screen at once while singing happy birthday and enjoying whatever S did.

My diy birthday garland.

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