There is an image that sometimes gets pinned or passed around that talks about if what we spoke was put on our skin would we change how we speak? Or if what you said was written on your skin would you still be beautiful?
I take this a different way. If instead of what we speak was written on our skin, but what we thought it would be more powerful. It would be a message that we are sending to the world about ourselves. I’m not perfect. You are not perfect. Nobody is perfect. Lately, I have been feeling that I need to escape and go somewhere by myself. I just want to be alone and unwind. This is for my own mentally sanity than anything else. I feel like I am very disconnected with myself and that I need to find myself again. Where did I go? I need to find me again. It’s not always easy and not everyone wants to admit what their thoughts are. Most of the time I don’t like to talk about what I am feeling. Why? Because I feel ashamed of how I feel about myself. I feel that if I talk negatively I will be judged for thinking that way. But if it is how I feel then don’t judge me, but listen. I haven’t found what works for me to heal, but I am getting there. Writing is definitely an outlet I use to calm and sort my thoughts. Sometimes a nap is the best thing in the world to forget everything. However, today I discovered drawing. I forgot that I used to love to draw and doodle on everything. It is funny how life gets in the way and when in a cycle of depression we forget the things we love.
So what am I doing? Am I any more positive about my life? Some days I am. Yet, most of the time I just kind of let the days pass me by. I’m learning about myself and I’m finding that maybe one of the reasons I can’t seem to tackle any goals I have for myself is because of how I think. How I view myself as a person. That is a very important lesson I am learning and I am coming to realize I may not get anywhere with anything until I fix how I think. That is a very frustrating thought, but it makes the most sense. If I don’t think I can, then I won’t. I don’t need people to say accept yourself or love yourself. It doesn’t help me. I know that I am a good person and I have a lot to offer to the world, but if your head can’t accept those thoughts most days then the reality becomes the opposite. It’s why most of the goals I have made for myself have never been accomplished. I am a self-sabotaging person. It’s not even someone else who gets in the way! I get in the way of myself! Unbelievable.
Drawing is therapeutic. Writing is therapeutic. Sitting on the beach listening to the sounds of the ocean is therapeutic. I might not be where I want to be and I might not say things people want to hear. This is me. This is who I am and how I think. This drawing and writing made me feel lighter. Like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders because I could admit that this is me. This is how I think!! If the words I thought were written on my skin this is what you would see! I don’t want to be ashamed of how I think or feel. I want to free myself from that and if it proves to put others in an uncomfortable spot then so be it. This journey is mine and mine alone. I’m learning to love myself one step at a time and if it means showing the world my inner demons and thoughts, then so be it.