My poor blog has had little love over the last few months, but it is not the only thing that I have paid less attention to. Since becoming a mom, some of the things I like to do have fallen to the side as I tend to end up scrolling social media instead when I am ‘resting.’ But is that even resting? I find it gives me more anxiety about life than it should. Sadly, social media addiction is real and many of us deal with it every day. The neverending refresh button of highlight reels we can compare ourselves to on the daily. I am sure I am far from the only one.
I can not blame motherhood for my lack of pursuing hobbies I loved when I was younger, or did not love and would like to pursue as an adult. That comes down to me, my ambition, dedication and discipline. Which all sound like terrible words when it comes to doing hobbies you enjoy or would like to enjoy. Perhaps utilizing phrases like ‘engages the soul’ or ‘feeds the mind’ ‘ nourishes our interests’ or whatever new age crap sounds good is better. The truth of the matter is it comes down to myself why old hobbies and new hobbies are currently MIA. It comes from internalizing shit people told me as a kid and young adult, that became the background soundtrack of my mind. Why hum a tune when it can just be on replay mode? Stopping the soundtrack is hard. I have been working on it for a few years, but it is still hard.
I’ve been meaning to write about this for awhile, but I never got around to it. It’s funny, but from the moment I found out I was pregnant I knew I would give birth early, I figured it would be around Christmas, just hopefully not on Christmas.
The last few months I’ve been really looking inwards and asking
myself some of the harder questions in life. Not just on a superficial
level, but on a level I know I need to ask myself, why do I do this? Why
am I okay with this? What needs to change? What is this teaching me?
Volunteering at Mulmangcho.I miss my hair this color. (2014)
Getting ready to depart Korea has left me with a lot of emotions. I
have spent the last 4 years of my life in this country, and for better
or worse, I have grown a lot as a person. There are a lot of things that
I will miss and not miss about Korea, but as I’m winding down I thought
why not close out this year with writing about those things.
This year I had a lot of apprehension about what to do for Christmas.
I’m told I must spend it with others and not alone. I entertained the
idea and then thought to myself will me hanging out with others make
this a more joyous day?
About a month or so ago I had an “intervention” of sorts. I met a
friend of a friend, who has now become my friend. And she intervened in
my life, by talking to me about myself. In many ways it came out
casually as talking about other things and then it came to the point of
talking about what is going on with me and with my life. The
conversation made me very uncomfortable.
Enjoying the sea breeze at Anmok Beach in Gangneung.The above is kind of self explanatory,or is it? Back
at the end of October last year I realized I was heading into a big
dark cave I have seen many times before. It wasn’t my first time in that
cave nor was it going to be my last day dragged back down into its
depths. I decided to talk to a few friends about how I was feeling and
even they noticed how much of a change had overcome me. A few close
friends suggested that just maybe, I should reach out for help.
A year ago today I boarded a plane at JFK Airport and met new EPIK friends in San Francisco before boarding our plane to Incheon International Airport in South Korea. Thinking back on the past year it is interesting to see how far I have come and how much my life has changed. A year ago, I went through orientation and upon completion was ushered by bus to a city in my province. I remember meeting my co-teacher the first day and the car ride back to where I was going to live was awkward but friendly. Fast forward to now and I can say that my co-teacher, 라미, has been my biggest supporter.
I make new years resolutions every year. I never follow through with
most of it. Then again, I think that stems from a place of motivation
and a good mental state. 2013 was a year of change and time for
reflection as well. I did a lot of stuff, even though it doesn’t seem
like much now.