For a long time I have used ‘The Mocha Diaries’ or ‘Finding Mocha’, as a means of exploring my inner world or the lost Nina here on the blog. But am I truly lost? Have I been lost?
The other day it hit me that this title no longer fits and in fact might be not addressing myself rightly. I am not lost. I have never been lost. I just buried myself, the person I aspire to be is buried deep in the muck. So I don’t need to find myself as I know where I am. Rather, I need to bloom into myself.
The Blooming Mud Flower or Lotus, as it is known is one of my favorite flowers. It has always been a fascinating flower to me and I love the meaning attached to it because it grows in mud. The flower meant so much to me eventually I got it tattooed on me to show myself what I have overcome. At times, I wish I had gone with a more whimsical design than the one I have, but it is still okay.
There was a reason I put it on my forearm and that is to recall that I too have bloomed from a dark place. I was doing really well for awhile, but this year has gotten to me. Having a preemie during a pandemic and far from family is isolating. It isn’t how I imagined I would enter motherhood and I know there are moments where I feel I have failed as a mom, because I don’t act how I want to act. In a city of 14 million there are not many places I go, because I worry whether the local numbers are lies or not.
As a mother, I envisioned myself differently, a better role model. Yet, I am failing at it, because I refuse to change my style of parenting to accommodate more free time for myself. Rather, I need to ask myself how can I utilize the time I have while working on the things I wish to.
How can I model good health and behavior if I keep giving in to my sugar addiction, binge eating and secretive eating?
This mud flower is not lost, but just buried deep in the mud. It is hard to see the light when things are dark, but slowly we inch up and the light starts to break up the dark muddy water. And as I reach forward I will bloom into the person, wife, mother, daughter and friend that I want to be. The Mocha Diaries have come to an end so that I can focus on the Blooming Mud Flower. Getting back into the habit of writing mu thoughts and feelings will help me move forward and bloom into the Nina I always knew was buried deep in the mud.