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Tag: Motherhood

A Part of Me Apart From You

A Part of Me Apart From You

Before dawn lit the sky

We had to part amid

Tears and screams of ‘Ama’

Penetrating the cold air

I passed you to your grandmother

Whispering, “I love you” and giving a quick kiss

Swiftly the door was shut

The two of us cried for each other

Your arms reaching for me

While mine weighed heavily at my side

Slowly the window was rolled up to drown out your cries

This mother of yours never stopped looking into your eyes

Until the car drove off

Tears rolling down her cheeks

And cries escaping her lips

An emptiness that can’t be described on the car ride home

The babbles and laughter have all gone

And an eery quiet has overtaken our home

Today will be hard as this heart aches

Today Tomorrow and the days after that

My heart will long to embrace

And kiss your tiny face

This first separation although brief is

Only the beginning of the ones to come

My beloved child, we are apart yet

I am a part of you

You a part of I

No matter where we are

We are under the same sky

Budding Language

Budding Language

A few close friends and family know that I have been a little on edge about my daughter’s language development due to the fact that when we walk outside everyone’s child is monolingual and they seem to possess a higher language ability than my own daughter. This creates unnecessary worry and anxiety in me than I need, but I have been asking around and learning different opinions and facts on this. For the record, my daughter is fine, and I am not worried that she will speak well when she is ready. In fact, as we speak her budding language ability is showing.

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A Lack of Interests

A Lack of Interests

My poor blog has had little love over the last few months, but it is not the only thing that I have paid less attention to. Since becoming a mom, some of the things I like to do have fallen to the side as I tend to end up scrolling social media instead when I am ‘resting.’ But is that even resting? I find it gives me more anxiety about life than it should. Sadly, social media addiction is real and many of us deal with it every day. The neverending refresh button of highlight reels we can compare ourselves to on the daily. I am sure I am far from the only one.

I can not blame motherhood for my lack of pursuing hobbies I loved when I was younger, or did not love and would like to pursue as an adult. That comes down to me, my ambition, dedication and discipline. Which all sound like terrible words when it comes to doing hobbies you enjoy or would like to enjoy. Perhaps utilizing phrases like ‘engages the soul’ or ‘feeds the mind’ ‘ nourishes our interests’ or whatever new age crap sounds good is better. The truth of the matter is it comes down to myself why old hobbies and new hobbies are currently MIA. It comes from internalizing shit people told me as a kid and young adult, that became the background soundtrack of my mind. Why hum a tune when it can just be on replay mode? Stopping the soundtrack is hard. I have been working on it for a few years, but it is still hard.

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I Am A Cosleeper

I Am A Cosleeper

If you had asked me when I was younger if I would have bed-shared, I may have said no. But that answer would have been a lie as it goes against who I have always been as a person.

Cosleeping in hubby’s hometown when S was only 2 months old.

When I was 16, I babysat my newborn cousin for 40 hours a week during one summer. When it was time for a nap, she would fall asleep many times on my chest while I watched TV on the couch. It was not the safest practice, but it is what I did at that time.

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35 Insights From New Motherhood

35 Insights From New Motherhood

Enjoying some time outside with my daughter.

Every year in November, I begin to think of a list that I should write for my next birthday. It gets harder as it gets longer each year, but I think it is a good way to review the year or propose something for the year ahead. This year since I came into motherhood right before I turned 34, I decided it would be nice to reflect on it for my 35th birthday. I need to actually write about my 35th birthday in particular, but we shall save that for another post. So here are my 35 insights over the past year, many people might not agree and that is fine with me.

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Motherhood I have always dreamed of since childhood

Motherhood was once what I thought might never happen

Motherhood I have now entered and yet

Motherhood is not what I envisioned

Motherhood isn’t the one of my dreams

Motherhood came crashing down on me unexpectedly

Motherhood that wasn’t ready for a preemie

Motherhood that has been dotted with anxiety

Motherhood during a pandemic

Motherhood with limited interaction

Motherhood felt with moments of isolation

Motherhood filled with thoughts of ‘Am I bad mother?’

Motherhood where on tired days the shitty displays of anger and snappyness I inherited show their faces

Motherhood has been an honor

Motherhood is a blessing

Motherhood is a part of life I had been longing for and now enjoy

Motherhood is like a mountain I have never climbed

Motherhood with silent battles inside my mind

Motherhood of trying to find myself

Motherhood that is shaped by my beliefs to do better for my daughter

Motherhood that has left me wondering why did this too go so unplanned and unexpected

Motherhood that is thankful we are both healthy

Motherhood that tells me it’s okay to mourn a pregnancy not carried to term

Motherhood that tells me it’s okay to mourn the birth experience I never got

Motherhood that tells me it’s okay to feel sad

Motherhood that sings lullabies to my child while I cry

Motherhood that needs the baby cuddles for myself as much as her

Motherhood that came with little support and love nearby

Motherhood that was navigated alone

Motherhood that longs for extended family and friends from time to time

Motherhood that finds joy in each new skill obtained by my daughter

Motherhood that finds my daughter’s smile infectiously joyous

Motherhood that enjoys sleeping side by side at night

Motherhood is another part of life that didn’t start smoothly like others, and yet this

Motherhood is my own compass to navigate

Embodying Health

Embodying Health

For over the past month, I’ve been at battle with myself and my habits in my head. Luckily, I learned my sister was about to embark on a new health journey and I decided to join in. My current effort in the first week, I failed on five and a half days. My first two and a half days I did awesome , minus not exercising. Here I am sitting down after having eaten three donuts and two pastries for lunch washed down with an iced latte. A blatant failure.

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