Mocha Diaries: Mourning Changing Friendships

I have been mulling over this topic by myself for the past few months. For a long time the thought had always existed, but I never really probed into it more, because I was in a place where I could only focus on getting by day-to-day. Since I have been home for a while now, I’ve been lucky enough to have the space to mull over my thoughts without having too much background noise. This is the one place where I occasionally see friends, otherwise I am always by myself.  Read More

Colorado Reunion

Rocky Mountain National Park

At the end of May a few friends and I flee from Connecticut to Denver, where we met up with two other friends flying in from Boston. It was a friend reunion of 5 years! I’m sure everyone else has seen each other during the 4 years I was gone, but I haven’t seen some of these individuals in about 5 years, so it was really exciting. Read More

Mocha Diaries: The People We Meet

I’ve long believed that the people we meet, we meet for a reason. I especially feel this more since I live in  a city at the moment. Why are we only friends with certain people? Why are we not crossing paths with all those who pass by us on a daily basis? Why doesn’t everyone in the world know everyone? Granted I think most of us couldn’t keep 7 billion names straight if we tried, but it is something to ponder.

I think that we let certain people into our lives for different reasons, whether consciously or subconsciously. We could get to know someone else better that we don’t know, but we choose not to, unless we are in a circumstance that really makes us introduce ourselves to others. So most of the time our acquaintances are created out of polite chit chat or one time interactions, that we may not remember. I like to think that the ones we let into our life serve a purpose or they possess that, “click.” Read More

Mocha Diaries: The Intervention

About a month or so ago I had an “intervention” of sorts. I met a friend of a friend, who has now become my friend. And she intervened in my life, by talking to me about myself. In many ways it came out casually as talking about other things and then it came to the point of talking about what is going on with me and with my life.  The conversation made me very uncomfortable. Read More

Day Trip to 소무의도

One of the walking paths on 소무의도.

On a warm Saturday afternoon in October my friend, Eunji, messaged me and asked if I wanted to take a day trip with her to 소무의도 (somuuido), a small island off the coast of Incheon. I thought about it for a bit and decided to get ready quickly and we decided we would meet at the airport to travel the rest of the way together. Read More

Happy 50th Ma!

 

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My buddy for the two days while I was hiding.

My mom turned 50 in September last year and I really wanted to surprise her. I asked my school in May if it would be okay for me to take an extra day off in October to go home and surprise my mother for her birthday. Originally, I hadn’t planned to do it, but I decided to check flight prices and direct was so cheap I decided fuck it, I’m gonna try. Granted my lovely credit card is what enabled me to be able to book the tickets, but I also received official approval from my school.

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Reflections from a hospital bed

Thought #1
Is hospital beds suck. I have never been a patient before and the fact my back, ass, hips and leg hurt for days because of a terrible bed doesnt sit well with me. Comfier beds would be a great improvement.

Thought #2
Hospitalized grannies are very talkative and entertaining. I have been staying with four of them, one doesn’t speak but nods her head yes or no and smiles. One of the grannies talks a lot to the other granny ‘the room leader'[she has been in the room the longest]. And the other granny is soft spoken and doesn’t talk much.
One of the teacher’s at my school wheeled me to the lobby for a change of scenery where a bunch of grannies were sitting and I felt like the highlight of their day, they started yammering at me. Lots of compliments, questions, and wanting to introduce me to a golf teacher. Thanks granny, I will pass.

Thought #3

The atmosphere of the hospital room is different. Back home privacy is important even at the hospital and you rarely see patients family members interacting with anyone but their family member.  My room was filled with family members who slept the night next to the grannies or  took shifts caring for them. They bring food and almost all food that is brought is shared with the other patients and their family members: like a community. They talk through the day and we all watch tv together as there is only one in the room.

Thought #4

In the USA, nurses shoulder a lot of the responsibility for caring for patients even down to the nitty gritty of helping change sheets, dressing, and bathing them. The nurses here are nice and in instances, I think they help when they are needed, but the primary care comes from visiting family. The families in my room: helped them to the bathroom, changed sheets, bathed them, helped them to eat, etc. But the rules are different as they are allowed to stay the night and come and go anytime. One lady in the room washed my hair for me, which was nice and unexpected.

Thought #5
Friends in strange places. One of my nurses is a year or two younger than me and tried to speak english to me. Today is the last day before her shift ends, so because she won’t see me when I leave, she brought a gift. It was sweet and unexpected to recieve some snacks, vitamin C, and a letter in English/Korean asking to be friends and to eat dinner together once my leg is better. I never thought I’d make a new friend in the hospital.
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Thought #6
Bread!!!!!! All foreigners like bread. This is a funny one as I do eat rice, and the teachers at school know I just don’t eat a lot of it. Worried I might not like the food, I have received a lot of bread from one teacher.
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And I have also received a cheese cake from the science teacher.
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Thought #7

Sometimes we don’t know what is wrong but need to take it day by day. The old ladies in the hospital, the elderly back home, and most of the teachers say, ‘it was a snake.’ A few others have suggested a centipede. I never knew those suckers bit people.  So though the doctors can’t tell me 100% yet what is wrong, my leg is getting better slowly and they are taking good care of me. I have another blood test tomorrow and we shall see what the results are and hopefully I can go home.

Thought #8
Be open to new advice. The science teacher and her friend think I should see a traditonal medicine doctor as well. They basically draw out the bad blood and it should help the area. She told me to ask the principal and I think I will. Getting better faster is always better and the last  traditonal doctor I went to was a Tibetan monk in India, it was the fastest most efficient doctor’s appointment I have ever been to…

So these are some of my thoughts from this hospital stay.  The culprit is a mystery but whats being done now is working and there is always an alternative to try if you are open minded. I will keep everyone updated on my progress.

Musings of an overloaded mind

“Did you know…..?”

” Have you heard….?”

No. And no. I did not know. I have not heard.

The moment you walk away from everything you know…it comes back at you. Moving half way across the world there are days I am thankful I am in a new place. I can meet new people. I can be myself. I can hide in a cave if I want and never leave. Or I can be highly sociable and tolerate others.

One thing I was thankful for was not hearing the updates from home. About this person and that person. The ‘did you know’s…’ and ‘have you heard’s…’ I’m cold.

Am I a bad person? No.

Am I a loving person?  Yes.

Because I do not care, does it make me a bad person? Most people will answer that with a yes. You are a cold hearted person. You should care about others.

Should I? That seems like a loaded question.  Most people who feel “I” or anyone else should feel a certain way are the one’s who are bothered by me not caring. And why should it bother you? Because I do not care about every detail in your life? Because I do not need to hear the news about every person I left back home?

So  in the eyes of many I seem like a cold bitch. Fine. That is all right with me. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. And here is mine:

I don’t care. I never have. Why should I care about people who make minimal effort to be a part of my life? Why should I care about those who are never there for me when I may need them? Caring about others is a task. It isn’t easy. It isn’t easy to always keep the door open for anyone to walk through. Come inside and take a seat and drink some coffee while we talk about our worries and dreams and the future. Yet, I am a person who leaves that door open.  It isn’t a physical door. So if you look for it you will not find it.

No, no. It is the door inside my mind that leads to a set of chairs deep inside my heart. I have always left the door open. For anyone who has crossed paths with me. For friends old and new. For those who have walked out of my life and who have gone separate ways. That door is always open for them. Because that is the type of person I am.

The sad part about always leaving the door open for others is…no one has that door open for you. So when you go knocking…no one answers. When you reach out silently, when you leave clues that you need that extra hand, you are often overlooked. That is the kind of caring I receive. Should I care?

Outwardly no. Do I care? If it is important of course I do. My reaction might not be what others expect. It never is. People don’t understand how I think or how I feel. I often feel that I have always been less than everyone else in my life. I have always had to struggle longer and harder than others. That all the things I want in my life I do not have. When I look at those closest to me who have everything I want in life, they all shake their heads and say, “What is your problem?”

The sad thing is…a friend knows that isn’t the answer. Do you know my heart? Do you know my mind? Do you know what I think about at night? The long conversations I hold with myself?  I want to ask someone, “Have you ever flipped your life upside down?” ” Have you gone after one thing in life to realize everything else has slipped out of your hands?” ” Do you know what it is like to age and look around at your friends and realize you are jealous?” Jealous of all they have. And yet those friends have no idea you are jealous. Why? Because it is hidden beneath a faint smile and a lump in your throat.

My life isn’t planned. It never has been. It never will be. I live day to day. And day to day I wonder will I find happiness? Will the things I want in life come true? Will I find love? Will I have children? Will I finally love myself? Will I stand before all of the people I know with confidence in myself? A feeling of self-worth radiating from my being?

Never leaving. Never changing. Always settling…does not lead to happiness. Making things work just because of how you want to be perceived in life doesn’t bring happiness. That is a lesson I know. That is also a lesson that drives me forward. I am not perfect. Somedays I believe I might just end up by myself.

So when someone gives me news of others…should I care?

I choose not to. If I am close to that person I would hope they could tell me whatever news about themselves first. Why do I need to hear it from others?

Escaping from what bothers you is not the right thing to do. However, if listening to it hurts you and makes you sad. Then don’t listen. You have heard it once, time to move on.

So, I leave these words I have kept in my mind here.  Why should I care? Why do I need to feign interest in others? I don’t. Like it or not, it isn’t my problem how you feel.

When you read this and think there is something wrong with this girl. Or is there? Maybe you will question your own beliefs. Maybe you will reflect on those closest to you. Or the ones you believe to be the closest to you. Being a good friend, a true friend, is not an easy thing to do. It means being there through thick and thin. It means painting a smile on your face when sometimes you don’t want to. It means giving advice you know will hurt but at the same time you know needs to be said. And hoping that your own friends will give that same advice back to you. Will listen to your worries and hopes as you listen to theirs. That they will give you a hug if you need it. That no matter what you think you can tell them and they won’t judge you. They will understand you.

Very few friendships are 50/50. There is always one friend who gives more of themselves to others. The only bad thing about that is they are the ones who never get that same amount of love and affection from friends poured back on them.

I care about my friends. I love them dearly. But, I don’t need updates all the time. If they want to tell me they will. If they want to come and sit down for coffee or tea they will. And we will converse as the closest of friends always do. And they can look me in the eye and smile, “I understand you.” That one sentence…means a lot. Your heart, your mind, your belief…I understand. I’m here for you.

The words I say to others, just once in a blue moon it would be nice to hear back. To go and knock on that door only to realize it is already open. And my friend is sitting there asking, “Do you want coffee or tea? It has been a long time my friend…what have I missed? How have you been?”

{This post became full of rambling thoughts. It might not be easy to follow, but it flows from the heart. Sometimes we just have to express how we feel, even if others have no idea why or what is the matter. All is good. The mind and heart are now lighter.}

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