Lately, I’ve had a demon that is eating me from the inside out. That negative voice that just pulls us apart piece by piece. I originally thought that I would be able to focus on some things I wanted to work on for myself, like financial goals, health goals and exercise goals once my daughter was about five or six months old.
The truth of the matter is I haven’t done much for myself or accomplished what I imagined. Adjusting to being a mom and the kind of mom and parenting I want to follow has meant I don’t have much time for me. I wouldn’t change how I am or how I parent, but rather the few moments I have I need to prioritize instead of staring off into netflix or youtube videos. If not videos, it is social media. But really it seems that is all the mental capacity I have most days.
I’m not sure how some moms do it all, but I would guess we don’t parent the same and they prioritize time for themselves or making the most of their free time. My only free time is when my daughter sleeps and that is whenever she feels like going to bed at night or during the day. Not being disciplined means the goals I have are not being pushed more, instead I just gravitate to the easy mind-numbing videos and social media to fill my free time.
I could read books, I have a few I need to finish. I have even more books I want to start. I’m a slow reader, but so far this summer I have finally managed to complete two books. I have two more to read for this year. As for financial goals, well those are grounded to a halt or on a slower trajectory than planned due to Covid-19.
I just want to be a good role model for my daughter. I want to go out and show her that mom sets goals and meets them. But lately mom sets goals and they don’t happen. I have always been somewhat of a procrastinator and dream smasher. I still struggle with having the mindset to be successful and what success will mean to me and how others will view and treat me. How others treat me shouldn’t matter, but it is the difference in how the world treats you based on how you are now versus becoming successful that can be hard to deal with. But it is something, I myself am continually learning how to do.
I’m not perfect, and I can’t be a perfect mom. I may never be the role model I envision for my daughter, but it doesn’t mean I can’t try to better myself. That it is okay for her to see me fuck up and make mistakes, or struggle. Too many times we look around and everyone seems to moving forward swimmingly, but really the hardwork and failures need to be on display too. So I’m going to keep working towards my goals and try to be better than the day before slowly. If Today I fail, tomorrow I will try again and work on making progress.