Mocha Diaries: Apprehension

2016 is slowly coming to an end and I look towards 2017 with a twinge of apprehension. Granted all years have their ups and downs, I suppose it is how you view each year as a whole that gives you an idea of how life is going. Some people have amazing years one after the other with big, happy life events. Some people have mediocre years with lots of ups and downs. 

Everyone says how bad a year 2016 has been. Sometimes I’m one of those people who looks at 2016 and say yeah it sucked in some areas of my life, but for the most part my life was relatively the same. I feel no loss with all the famous people dying, that is part of life, and we move on. I’d say some of the bigger upsets are the revealing of the underbelly of America and the U.K. I was more optimistic than I should have been for American and English politics and so 2017 and beyond will be full of apprehension on the political front.

As for the rest of my life? 2016 was a year I went through a lot of personal growth and devoted some time to reflecting on my life choices. I took a trip of a life time and I’m so glad I did. It was what I needed to feel free from the constraints of life and to reflect on what I want and where I want to be. That doesn’t mean it was an easy decision, it was quite painful to make even though I decided it is time for a new direction.

This has been a year that has challenged my current friendships as well. At times, I wonder are these friendships worth the time and effort? Are they beneficial or detrimental friendships to me? It has been a year where I have seen less and less of friends as their lives float in opposite directions. Could I demand more? Of course, but what is the point if your words fall on deaf ears. Sometimes maintaining the status quo is enough.

Right now I’m filled with apprehension for the future. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it could be good apprehension for all the wonderful things that may appear. I will just never know exactly. I’m excited to have a change and at the same time I’m terrified I don’t belong anywhere. It is a weird feeling to describe to others. Most people I know are more established in their adult lives. They have serious partners, they are single moms, they have kids with serious partners, they are married with no kids, or married with kids. I don’t know too many people who are single like me back home. It makes me wonder how much things will change when I go back and hang out with people that I haven’t seen in a long time.

I wonder if I will feel the strings of my heart being pulled out of pity for myself that I don’t have those things yet, even though in some ways I am content with where I am in life. I wonder if the people in my life have the space for me in theirs that they once did or has that space become smaller? As you get older and the years pass by you realize people’s lives diverge from yours and that is okay. That is part of life, but it doesn’t mean we don’t feel loss for the way our friendships used to be. It doesn’t make life easier to relate to in the face of the changing lives of those around us. Sometimes its easier to let the loss be felt and not be told to those you can feel it slipping away from, as sometimes no matter what you say you know that is a relationship that will fade away.

Relationships are the pillars in our life that carry us through the good and bad years. When you realize you are becoming transient and everyone else you know is established it becomes harder to relate. I’m leaving people I have known for 2-4 years with very established lives here to go home and see people I have had longer established relationships with that I haven’t seen in 2-4 years. It is a hard pill to swallow. The apprehension of continuously starting over is hard and exciting, no matter how much it might scare me in the process of it all, it is thrilling to say the least.

I’m not a visionary so looking ahead to 2017, I see a few plane tickets, a few vacations, and then I am home with no clear picture of what I’m doing after March 2017. I’m hoping that maybe all this apprehension is because 2017 will finally be a year where some of the things I want in life will start to be planted and possibly come to unfold before me. That would be a wonderful surprise that I would definitely welcome. Until then I’m gonna keep waiting to see how 2017 unfolds. It is completely unplanned, unknown, and full of whatever impulsive decisions decide to come my way.

Apprehension for the unknown is quite the feeling and it is quite fitting for that to be the starting theme of 2017.

6 comments / Add your comment below

  1. A new year. A new beginning. You already have exciting things planned for January, February and March! Here’s hoping to a fun and exciting year for you! 🎉

  2. Nina,
    Your concept of what will be, is right on the money..😉.None of us know..2016 will soon be gone, as yesterday is..we can not get it back, You can say it was the most waisted 4 years of my life and I must have been out of my mind, Or you can say, look at me, look at what I have done ,look at how I have grown and look at all the people’s lives I have touched..and You my dear have done all of the above..😉The future have no guarantees, and it is up to us to go forward and know we are blessed. You will be ok, Nina, and you have never lost the friends of yesterday, you ,as they will be happy as all hell to see you again and fall back in your comfort zone.. Friends , Will always have space for you in their lives..I found , as I grew old friends grew as I did, and new friends, we tend to grow together in and on different levels..
    A new chapter in your life is about ready to unfold, so grab ahold of that “Golden Ring” and have yourself one hell of a exciting ride !!🤗 Your plans are solid, your future is bright, and your life is very well put together.. So, have a yourself a Very Happy New Year, and another chapter in your life of ” Mocha”. will be just another page in your life..not to worry..You are strong, and can face another challenge.. So, “………
    As always, I send love and hugs from my side of the world to you on your side..
    Love, Aunt Millie

    1. Thank you for saying those kind things Aunt Millie. I look at the last 4 years with mixed emotions, but I know that I will remember them more fondly as time passes. I’m hoping that the future is bright as I would love to see some more of that light or even a ray shined my way!. 🙂

  3. God bless Aunt Millie! She is a wise woman.. you have chosen “the road less traveled.”. Your life will seem glamorous to your old friends, and indeed it has been. How many people can say that they have to Tibet, let alone from two different directions. How many of your friends have been to China, Thailand, Korea, or Robin Hood’s Nottinger , England? How many. of your friends have been in a hospital for being bitten by a one ranged snake? How many people have a mother who flies for 13 hours to see her daughter who needed cheering up? Appreciate the joy, humor, and rediculousness in your life. Your students will always be in your heart, and they will remember the holidays you brought to them from America!

    1. Thanks Gramma! I hope the kids remember me and that I made a difference. It’s funny maybe it seems glamorous to others , but to me it just seems mundane. I guess perspective is what really matters, and it was nice having a surprise visit. Love you.

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