Mocha Diaries: Why do I self-sabotage? : Laziness

Welcome to the Mocha Diaries! Mocha has been MIA for a while and it was high time she was found.

{ After  a recent conversation with a good friend back home that persuaded me to dig deeper as to why things bother me and find those answers. She said the better you understand yourself the easier it will be to love yourself and be your best friend. So with a homework assignment on hand I’ve decided to transcribe what I have found here. Somewhere along the way Mocha will be found and at the end of it all there will be inner peace for me.}

“Why do I self-sabotage?

  I always wonder about this daily. What makes me always kill whatever positive things I start? Part of me wants to blame the past and feelings of not being ‘good enough.’ But in reality I need to analyze the present. My greatest self-sabotage techniques are laziness and binge-eating.  Laziness is a sabotager because I begin to talk myself out of things. For example: I should go to the gym today. My inner dialogue begins: I don’t want to because…

  • I’m tired/sad/stressed/too anxious
  • I want a nap
  • I can’t focus
  • I need to eat dinner
  • I need to clean

Blah blah blah. I have an excuse for everything. You could ask anybody that knows me well and you probably won’t meet someone with as many stupid excuses as me.  I never really asked myself why I do these things, but laziness is easier. It feeds into my belief that ‘I am not good enough, and never will be.’

Laziness sabotages because this is how I made myself accept life. That I am less than others. That what I do doesn’t measure up. In fact its a fantastic technique to keep me unsuccessful, which fuels itself. And all things need fuel to survive. My excuses are what fuel my laziness which I term, ‘self-sabotage,’ because it goes against my goals of being successful. But in the eyes of laziness self-sabotage is a success. It has done its job of satisfying my needs to stay in the known:the comfortable. I love the familiar. I know what it is. I know what happens and I know what it expects of me. Which leads me to ask myself,

“If you want to be successful why do you let laziness win?”

It mostly stems from a fear of the unknown (a topic for another day) and of being successful. Laziness likes easy things. Success is hard and it requires effort. If I become successful what happens to my self-sabotaging? What happens to all the negative things that have been said to me that I keep like ammunition loaded in my self-sabotage gun?

Those negative words become powerless. They have lost their meaning and their job in my life as fuel for self-sabotage. Which leaves self-sabotage with a hard question.

“How do you self-sabotage yourself when you are stripped of everything you thought you were?”

There is a simple answer: you can’t. And if you can’t sabotage yourself then who are you? What is true or untrue about you? The problem with succeeding and not knowing who you are is it creates an unknown identity of yourself. An identity the major player in your mind doesn’t recognize and doesn’t know how to handle. Its first response is to squash the rebel. Who are you? Why are you fucking everything up? What you do won’t  make a difference! It screams at this new identity unleashing a flood of malicious words intended to stamp it out. Self-sabotage doesn’t like the unknown. It doesn’t want to turn around and wonder how things will change because of a new identity.

Self-sabotage wants to know that things are safe. Because the new identity can usher in change from new thoughts to a new routine. But worst of all the outside world will view me differently than before. Or will they? A new identity means that the world could still react the same (which would be comfortable) or it could react differently (which can be uncomfortable).

Self-sabotage acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, it uses what it has been told, “if you were thinner, you’d be prettier, which means more men would find you attractive.” Self-sabotage knows that thoughts like that are toxic and even if currently I’m making progress it will utilize it as a scare tactic. “But what if it is true? What if you do become all that and you realize all of those negative words were right?”

Validation of fuel that keeps self-sabotage alive plays to the fact that I fear others hurtful words being true more than I care about making myself happy. It really is a very fucked relationship, because laziness will come around and say, “it won’t make a difference anyway.” I hate laziness and sometimes I think laziness is the most detrimental side to self-sabotage. But then it just might be its friend, binge-eating.


4 comments / Add your comment below

  1. Hi Nina..
    STOP !!! Yes, stop beating yourself up..Yes ! I agree with you, laziness can cripple you..BUT! when you really don’t want to do one thing or another, just say, ” Fuck it, when I get to it I will, but not this minute” and walk away from what seems to be the monkey on your back..It’ll get lighter as the day goes on, trust me.!!!! I have procrastinated many a times myself, about doing one thing or another, and I mean to tell you it only piles up. and my mind seems to get all screwed up with pressure, so.I have found by writing down what I have to do on a particular day in order, I do get a lot of the list done, and what is not done or finished, I do another day or the next day if I can squeeze it in ..But !That’s me, Nina, and I sure the hell don’t have the schedule you have..I am pretty active, although I make plenty of time for my Roxy..I have a trainer in once a week for her, and you talk about dear, Ms. Roxy may not talk, but hells bells ,she sure know about excuses..listens to the teacher, but pulls the deaf mute excuse when it comes to you see Nina, everyone uses excuses in one way or another, even my dog !!! She is a smart ass for sure !!!
    You are doing just fine, and the ability to let “Mocha” out is a gift others sure the hell don’t have. People just hide behind on the other hand face them head on..Looking for reasons, finding them, and then figuring them out..How good is that???
    Have to go, so have a wonderful day and as always I send love and hugs,,Stay well and as always take care of yourself, be well and stay happy.
    Love, Aunt Millie

    1. Hahaha, Roxy sounds pretty fun! I agree with you most definitely! It’s been a really interesting and fun exercise, as my friend told me it seemed I’m still where I was mentally the last time I talked, so she suggested try digging deeper even if it is uncomfortable and you will get what you are looking for!
      Thanks for telling me I am doing fine, normally I don’t care about being lazy, but the last few months have been very bad and I don’t even stick to my lists! So this is a great start and I love getting to the bottom of things and tackling my emotions which then helps me feel at peace with myself to find a path that I want to take later as I move through life! We should all be our own best friend! 🙂

      love you too!

  2. Good lord child! Stop questioning everything! You are pretty. You are smart. You know several languages. You are funny. You are silly. You are a great friend. Stop! Live your life sweetie. Nobody and I do mean nobody, does it right all the time. Now get your ass out of bed and do 10 jumping jacks!!

    1. Haha! Its good to question things and deeper its like therapy for yourself without the price tag of a therapist. I noticed while doing it that it puts me at ease and helps put a name to some of the emotions I’m going through. Since deciding to start being introspective I have become more productive. Its an awesome side effect! 🙂

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