Mocha Diaries: Tears of Frustration

The last few days have been a little rough on me. Not that anything substantial has happened in my life to make it that way, it’s just a bunch of moments of sadness and frustration with myself that have overwhelmed me a little here and a little there.

Before I hear someone say, “Well if you don’t like something, fix it!” Just let me process this shit that’s weighing down on my mind. Lately, because of my banking issues in Korea, which frustrates me to high hell, I’m worried about money. I should be worried about money, since I don’t have a job, yet the five hundred dollars or so I can’t touch in my bank account kills me. I know, I know go get a fucking job. Some asshole is probably thinking that at this very moment.

I have a planned vacation for a week at the end of May with some friends I haven’t seen in years! I couldn’t pass up the opportunity, so I said yes! My sister asked me to go on a cross-country road trip with her as soon as I get back, so I said yes! If I don’t do it now, when will I? Probably never, which is why I said yes, and why it is difficult to find a job. I applied for an online teaching job and failed the interview, I laughed it off, but it was kind of a blow to my ego. So now I’m thinking of what can I sell to earn quick cash to sustain myself without becoming a financial burden to my parents?

I really want to take care of things for my Grampa like cleaning the beach house and painting the porch, I don’t expect payment, but I know he will still give me something. I just wanted to do something for them while I am nearby, and I’m not working full-time so I can devote that time and effort to their needs.

I keep thinking of what kind of work can I do? What do I want to do? I’m so overwhelmed and frustrated with myself. I feel like I have no skills, even though I do. I don’t have a passion for a lot of jobs so I don’t want to do them. I also at this point  pretty sure I don’t want to be stuck here in the states, which means I don’t want a REAL job. I want a temporary day-to-day or week to week job, so I can bounce ship when I am ready to. Which means when I get back from vacationing and road tripping across America I’ll need to march my ass into the nearest temp agency to get some work for shitty pay. I keep telling myself all I need to do is save like two thousand dollars and then I can peace out. But to peace out, I need to apply for other jobs now or soon, once I get recommendation letters next week. Everything in my life just seems ridiculous for someone who is my age. Seriously, get it the fuck together, Nina.

My frustrations don’t end there though. This past year I have put in a lot of time and effort to my mental health and have had amazing results! I am happier, my mood is more balanced, and I can process my emotions better which keeps me upbeat and appreciative of my life no matter how frustrating it seems at times. Where I have slacked is my health, my physical health, and my weight. I’m 20 lbs heavier than I was during the summer, and I can’t seem to go back down. Which means I basically need to stop eating and snacking. I’m gonna have to force myself to a low-calorie diet until the weight starts to budge, while increasing my exercise routine I have started recently. Traveling with my sister will definitely give me the jump-start I need.

Why am I frustrated? I told myself since I’ll have no job I will literally have no reason not to focus on my health and get in shape when I am unemployed living at home. I was supposed to have lost close to 10lbs by now but instead I gained it. I don’t care what others say, I am uncomfortable in my own skin, my knees and back hurt, I can’t stand photos being taken of me. I want to get healthy so my joints aren’t in any pain, so I can exercise freely and feel like I’m not out of breath climbing stairs. I want to wear clothes and feel good in them, as vain as that sounds, it’d mean a lot to me. There is a part of me that thinks if I can’t have money, a job, a man, kids, or a house, I should have my fucking health in order. So I’m frustrated with my non-budging weight and I need to begin the process of a strict healthy lifestyle so that I can be healthy physically and mentally.

At times, I love my care free self. However, there are times when it frustrates the fuck out of me, because I’m so directionless compared to my friends, family, and colleagues.  Nowadays with social media, I just can’t really catch a break from these socially constructed perfect lives that people post about. There are days it feels like I’m the only one not moving forward in life. I’ve thought of deleting it, but then I realize I’m someone who moves around a lot so as frustrating as it is, it is my method of staying in contact with others. I know I shouldn’t compare, but sometimes I just want a breakthrough in life where just one little thing I need or want happens.

Like right now there is a possibility something I want may come to light, which means I’ll have to hatch a plan to make it happen on my timeline. There is also a possibility it may not pan out, but right now I’m sending all the positive vibes I have into the universe so that it does turn out like I want! I’m an idealist, a day dreamer, and for once in life it’d be nice to see that come true!

So those are my frustrations…they’ve brought me to tears a bit lately, but I figure once I go to bed tonight some of it will dissipate and tomorrow will be a brand new day.

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