35 is Looking Me in The Face

35. Thirty- five. ༣༥. སུམ་ཅུ་སོ་ལྔ། 서른 다섯. 三十五. They all say the same: 35. I’m not sure where I thought I would be at 35. But here I am a few hours before I officially hit the mid-thirty mark. If I have a short life span and die at 70 well I’m halfway through my life and that just makes me go: what the fuck…

Thinking morbidly puts things into perspective. If I am really lucky my halfway point will come in my forties. Something to wonder until the time comes. But snapping back to thirty five there are a lot of things I wonder where the fuck I’m going and why am I not anywhere near others.

At 35, financially I thought I would have my shit together. I’d have a fluffy savings, could afford a house and a car payment, be contributing to a growing 401k and travel more. Before I move forward with this thought, I’ll make it clear I am debt free. I’ve been out of student loan debt since April 2017, and credit card debt since July 2019. I’ve paid off credit cards a few times over, but a big thanks to mom and pops for the last help since I was pregnant and it was a huge help financially. One day I will get you back, I just don’t know how yet.

I don’t make fabulous money. It’s enough to save, but this year and the last few years between trying to payoff credit cards, having a child (we paid cash for her birth and NICU), some local travel and helping family, I barely have $500 as an emergency fund. Looking back I should have never cashed out my 401K to payoff my credit card debt in 2014-2015, but I was swimming in payments and I just wanted them fucking gone. Now I only have whatever little savings I have here and social security back home which is probably not much.

I’m lucky my parents were in a position to help me, and I continue to think I’ll never be as wealthy as they are. Will I ever be able to afford a mortgage? Do I want one? Will I ever be able to afford my own new car? Or maybe a new phone? (Thanks for the hand-me-down Iphone7 Pops!)

Maybe I could have tried landing higher paying jobs, but something I have struggled with and continue to struggle with is believing I am good enough for those jobs. Sometimes I lack the qualifications and am wary to go into debt again just to get the better job. So at 35, I think financially I’m in a shit place and know many people better off than me, and it sucks. But, I’m working on it, it might take me longer to get there and that is okay.

I think at 35 my appearance would be different. I have an acceptance of my body now, I’m not over the moon, but it is accepted and it is loved for what it can do. Although it did take a beating mentally for giving birth to a preemie, I still think my body failed to do its job properly and I am to blame.

I am more comfortable in my own skin, yet I wish I was healthier. I have wished to be healthier and more fit since my twenties and every year that passes is another year lost. I’m working on it, but I don’t give it 100%. Working on my health and fitness has always been something I avoid to a degree, a fear of changing means I am more acceptable and people will treat me differently. I do not want to give validation to those who used to tell me those negative messages that I turned into a record for myself. But I have lost 13kg (26lbs) this year and weigh less than I did when I first got pregnant. So I’m on the road to health as long as I address my habits that are road blocks to success. One day at a time though, right?

I have no direction in life. For some reason, I thought as I got older a path would appear magically. Instead here I stand forging a path as I go not knowing what will come next. What will I be doing in a year? Where will I be? I have no fucking clue. I hate finding jobs and the daily grind. I want to travel and continue learning languages, but lack the funds to do so. Will I ever get to be one of the wandering digital nomads?

35, feels so much more significant and yet less anxiety ridden than 30. But, I still feel in the game of life I have fallen behind my peers back home, and yet I don’t match the ones around me either. Somehow I am trying to find the balance and dreaming up a where will I be when I am forty, but all that appears in front of me is a wide open space of grass with no path. Maybe clarity comes with age.

Hello, thirty – five. Let’s go on this journey of a year, and may you help light a fire under my ass to get my shit further together.