I’ve been told we often look for the kind of love
We observed as children
Whether that love was beautiful or chaotic
We always try to find what we know
In our future lovers
Even against our best judgement
The traps that we have learned are still there
Luring us into the familiar
I only have a photo of my father tucked deep away in the closet
A man for which I have no recollection only his name
Who never made an effort to be in my life after my mother walked away
When my baby sister was a week old
He never claimed us as his own and never offered to help raise us
An absence of love, an absence of learning about myself
A father who was lost in his own life
My mother always said don’t fall for
The liars, cheaters, drug addicts or alcoholics
Try to find the better men
The ones who will love you and be honest from the get go
My mother fell in love with my baby sister’s father
And married because she fell pregnant
A rocky marriage she never wanted from the start
And a new father who claimed to love us as his own
But there was always something beneath the surface that lingered
His love for his flesh and blood was apparent
And my younger sister he had known as an infant could do no wrong
He adopted us when I was 9
My name changed to his and I still carry it to this day
He did it out of love there is no question
That he wanted us to feel like we were all the same
But when I looked at the backs of my family in the store one day
All I felt was I don’t belong
Maybe I was too old when we met
That the features of my birth father were etched across my face
It was apparent I was a little less worthy
I was always told I was never good enough
I wasn’t smart like my sisters
I would always have to work hard to be anything in life
My father’s love was hard to find underneath
The explosions of anger every morning
Screaming wondering why the fuck the dishes weren’t done
And none of us were helping my mom
I always cowered in fear and started doing any chore that was mentioned
It wasn’t that I never did them, I always did he just never noticed
If it wasn’t screaming it was the slamming of doors
And threatening to leave the house
So one day as an adult when he was no longer there
I knew it was final, somehow as a child I always knew it wouldn’t last
My father had made the same mistake as my birth father
My mother was alone to weather the storm
I had to take up the slack he had left in his wake
Not a word to his children for three weeks
There wasn’t an apology until almost 18 months later
And yet the first thing he said to something he heard me say was
You’re just like your mother
That seething disgust for someone who embodies what you hate most about your ex
At that moment I realized I was a little less loved
And the years passed and we haven’t spoken
For a child should never have to chase after a parent
For the truth or love
My mother always said don’t fall for
The liars, cheaters, drug addicts or alcoholics
Try to find the better men
The one who embodies what you need most in a relationship
My mom fell in love again with a different man
He just happened to be a family friend
And the magic began
A man who walked in and loved my mother like no other
Who walked beside her even when they argued
And threatened to bury each other in the ground out of love
A man who decided to spend time to get to know his new children
Who decided to invest in them despite their choices
Always offering advice and a hug when needed
Who offered fatherly talks on the back of a pickup truck
Or walks on a cool autumn day
Saying no matter what he’s proud of what I do
And knows that everything I want in life will be mine
A father figure who walked in and said there are no step-children in this family
There are only my children
I have a son and three daughters
A father who meant the words out of his mouth
A man that demonstrates that love isn’t perfect
It is messy, sometimes, there are fights
But everything always works out all right with space and communication
A man who no longer is just a father, but dad, Pops
My mother always said don’t fall for
The liars, cheaters, drug addicts or alcoholics
I found myself loving men who embodied my fathers
I watched my friends find poisonous men who were like theirs
I often wonder at what age we realize we are in the cycle
Of loving the wrong person because we believe that is what love looks like
After each heartbreak we find a better man to love
And although not perfect there is a gradual improvement
The men I have loved at times have shied away from communication
Some will place the blame on me
And some won’t say anything at all
Some men will ignore what I say
so that things can just stay the way they are
I look around and think I don’t want to love a man like my birth father
I don’t want to love a man like the father who raised me
I want to love a man like my new father
Who knows that communication and respect are the keys
To a successful relationship
That we are all deserving of love
Just like my mother said
Sometimes it just takes a little bit longer than others to find
In the end it is worth waiting for
I’ve been told we often look for the kind of love
We observed as children
Whether that love was beautiful or chaotic
We always try to find what we know
In our future lovers
Even against our best judgement
The traps that we have learned are still there
Luring us into the familiar
I’ve been told we can learn to love better
That the love we watched as children isn’t the only kind
Our love can change, our wants will change
In our future lovers
We should find the red flags that say he isn’t a keeper
Instead of ignoring them, let go and move on to the next one
Love that is familiar is easy to fall prey to
But I deserve a love like no other
One that sets my soul on fire
Oh Nina you write so well! This is so hard for me to read and so true and you have me in tears thinking of your pain. I am sorry I wish it had ended sooner. Looking back if I had never moved out of my parents house I would have met Bruce at 17. But I wouldn’t have you 3 girls and he wouldn’t have Kyle. I would never wish to erase the best things in our lives. So we live and we learn and we grow as we should. Our hopes and dreams are for all if you is to find true love and be happy. Nothing is perfect nor will it ever be. But a “ happy love” is there. You just need to strive for it and you will find it. And yes “ to be buried in the garden” was in our vows. Lol. Humor and love go hand in hand. I love you sweetie. 💕
Haha, I don’t mean to make you cry, I just think its natural for most people and I can think of many friends that have gone through the same. But you can’t have the good without the bad, so we learn. Love you both lots! Now get to sleep crazy lady😘
I don’t know what to say! Meanly, i don’t have a word for expressing what i feel inside!
Let me just say, It made me speechless and think of my own daughter!
What place do i have in her mind?
Thanks for sharing it!
Hey Choepel, thanks so much for reading it. You are very welcome! I think we all become a little like our parents and in other ways we are different. I’m sure your daughter loves you lots!
This was so beautiful Nina, and honest and real and gutsy and loving and hopeful. I am very grateful to have read it this morning. It is an honor when someone shares so brilliantly that you can learn from their living. ( Hopefully your uncle John will take notes too;)
Aww thanks Miela!! Hehe Uncle John is a good man!! I think he is always taking notes lol 😉
Scribbles….
Absolutely phenomenally written…I still, after reading it a few times, have tears, as your heart exploded with love for your new “Dad,( &father)..Yes, Nina we should all learn from past mistakes and experiences we’ve all had, but as you have so brilliantly put it, we have to learn to love better…I can relate to a lot of your feelings, but I must say, it took a very long time for me to find “what love is really all about”..Weather people and society excepted it, I didn’t give a flying fuck, they didn’t know me, nor were they the ones that I loved or that loved me..So, Nina when you least expect it, love will find you, you won’t have to search any longer..You are a strong, brilliant,compassionate, deep and a very loving woman. .This is just a little tid bit I thought you’d like..
If you walked away from a toxic,negative,abusive,one-sided,dead-end low vibrational relationship or friendship —-you won… And sometimes , We Can’t Always See Where The Road Leads, But God Promises There’s SomethingBetter Up Ahead. We Just Have To Trust Him..( psalm 56-3)
So,I will close for now, and again reiterate, you are just plain friggen genius in your writings and your ability to express your true self, as others actually bury their head in the sand, and run from reality..Not you.. So, stay well, take care, and always remember your family loves you so very much and so do I.. love, Aunt Millie