Mocha Diaries: My Friend, Anxiety

For a long time, I thought I was a person who ebbed in and out of minor low-lying depression. I never imagined I actually had anxiety problems as well. I occasionally have bouts of anxiety, which are normally triggered by something small. Normally it isn’t the end of the world, but I’ve realized if I have felt stressed about something for a few days to weeks then at some point anxiety is bound to hit me until I can calm down. Sometimes it takes a few hours or a good nights rest, if I’m able to sleep.

Today was one of those days. I was looking for a positive answer and once again it was a vague one. Not quite what I was looking for, but somehow it pushed this sense of impending doom into my head that the world was ending and my life once again was going nowhere. All I could do was cry, tremble, and stare off into space while I tried to figure out how can I escape…I have nowhere to go. I could feel the tightness in my chest and the headache I gave to myself, while I tried to deal with the emotions. Even right now at his very moment 9 hours later, I can still feel it lingering in my body.

I can’t sleep so I figured I would write a little bit. I’m not sure why I make things into the end of the world when my waiting fuse has run short, but it seems that is the way I have set myself up to think. I’m normally rational and tell myself where there is a will, there is a way. I truly believe in that, but when I fall victim to my anxiety I can’t seem to find the exit out of the darkness I’m engulfed in. I like believing if there is a will, there is a way. If I make progress everyday and it is what I want then it is sure to come true, no?

Since I’ve been working on my mental health this year the positive trajectory has been helping me a lot, though I have moments where I lapse back into my negative thoughts and self-sabotaging patterns. Anxiety tells me that no matter what progress I make apparently it isn’t good enough for what I want. It panics and says what if I never get there? What is the point of trying? Nothing I want comes to light easily… it’s easy to get sucked into that thinking in the heat of the moment. And I often wonder, if I wasn’t so fucking emotional of a person would it be easier to deal with things? Would anxiety and stress visit and then blow over easily?

I realized today I need to find a way to deal with my anxiety when it hits me hard. I don’t mind crying and laying in bed unsure of what to do with myself. However, since my heart desires to escape everything around me in those moments I need a solution. What can I do? Part of me thinks taking a walk outside until I slowly calm down and the stress evaporates step by step out of my body is a good solution. But what if I’m in a place where I can’t go for a walk? I suppose I’d have to adapt it to the environment I’m in when my friend, Anxiety, strikes. Instead of a walk I could just step outside, look up at the sky and breathe in slowly for a few moments until I feel calmer.

I’m sure at times that might also not be an option so I’ll have to figure what else I can do when that time arises. I wish I felt as put together as other people look on the outside. I know many people look at me and think I have it put together, but most of the time there is a storm of things swirling in my head all day just waiting for their chance to greet Anxiety with an enthusiastic hello.

5 comments / Add your comment below

  1. Woo saaaaa. Breathe in breathe out … make banana bread when stressed! If you do something you force your mind to focus on other things.

  2. Nina,
    Stress is a butch with a capital “B”, Sometimes I find myself wanting to give up on certain things in my life, But then, I think, Fuck it..I am not gonna let this ,whatever this is , win..I have found being around negative people is the poison, so get rid of it. I have. You are such a beautiful person with so much to offer, and if you got knocked down, you have done it before, pick yourself up, brush it off, and go knock on another door. Your strength is your strong point, so..know you are a confident, smart,intelligent beautiful woman. Have a drink and Fuck the world, whatever is eating at you, won’t win.

    1. Thanks Aunt Millie! I had a few drinks last night to help digest it! I’ll keep that in mind that I’ve gotten back on my feet before so I’ll get back up again! Xoxo

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