For a long time, I thought I was a person who ebbed in and out of minor low-lying depression. I never imagined I actually had anxiety problems as well. I occasionally have bouts of anxiety, which are normally triggered by something small. Normally it isn’t the end of the world, but I’ve realized if I have felt stressed about something for a few days to weeks then at some point anxiety is bound to hit me until I can calm down. Sometimes it takes a few hours or a good nights rest, if I’m able to sleep.
Today was one of those days. I was looking for a positive answer and once again it was a vague one. Not quite what I was looking for, but somehow it pushed this sense of impending doom into my head that the world was ending and my life once again was going nowhere. All I could do was cry, tremble, and stare off into space while I tried to figure out how can I escape…I have nowhere to go. I could feel the tightness in my chest and the headache I gave to myself, while I tried to deal with the emotions. Even right now at his very moment 9 hours later, I can still feel it lingering in my body.
I can’t sleep so I figured I would write a little bit. I’m not sure why I make things into the end of the world when my waiting fuse has run short, but it seems that is the way I have set myself up to think. I’m normally rational and tell myself where there is a will, there is a way. I truly believe in that, but when I fall victim to my anxiety I can’t seem to find the exit out of the darkness I’m engulfed in. I like believing if there is a will, there is a way. If I make progress everyday and it is what I want then it is sure to come true, no?
Since I’ve been working on my mental health this year the positive trajectory has been helping me a lot, though I have moments where I lapse back into my negative thoughts and self-sabotaging patterns. Anxiety tells me that no matter what progress I make apparently it isn’t good enough for what I want. It panics and says what if I never get there? What is the point of trying? Nothing I want comes to light easily… it’s easy to get sucked into that thinking in the heat of the moment. And I often wonder, if I wasn’t so fucking emotional of a person would it be easier to deal with things? Would anxiety and stress visit and then blow over easily?
I realized today I need to find a way to deal with my anxiety when it hits me hard. I don’t mind crying and laying in bed unsure of what to do with myself. However, since my heart desires to escape everything around me in those moments I need a solution. What can I do? Part of me thinks taking a walk outside until I slowly calm down and the stress evaporates step by step out of my body is a good solution. But what if I’m in a place where I can’t go for a walk? I suppose I’d have to adapt it to the environment I’m in when my friend, Anxiety, strikes. Instead of a walk I could just step outside, look up at the sky and breathe in slowly for a few moments until I feel calmer.
I’m sure at times that might also not be an option so I’ll have to figure what else I can do when that time arises. I wish I felt as put together as other people look on the outside. I know many people look at me and think I have it put together, but most of the time there is a storm of things swirling in my head all day just waiting for their chance to greet Anxiety with an enthusiastic hello.