Mocha Diaries: Of Blue Skies and Kimchi Cravings

Mocha Diaries: Of Blue Skies and Kimchi Cravings

I’ve been home for almost 5 months and the adjustment has not been easy on me. I always felt toward the end of my stay in Korea that I didn’t belong or quite fit in. Now being home I feel the same way. It was a dreaded feeling I carried deep in my chest that I didn’t really belong or fit in anywhere.

I’ve always felt odd, like I was the odd woman out. Never quite fitting in, always somehow different. I missed blue skies like crazy in South Korea. When the sky was a brilliant blue I’d be dazzled with it and I developed an obsession of looking up and admiring the skyline throughout my day. The skies are certainly bluer here but they aren’t as blue as I remember. There are stunning days yes, but if you really want to see stunning skies go where there is less pollution and people. The western half of the USA has a beautiful skyline to be admired and it is worth taking a trip out there! I know I am so grateful for having the chance to take a trip around the USA.

I’m happy to enjoy the sky more now, but it comes with a longing for the dull moments of usual life back during my four years in South Korea. I miss the chaos and people everywhere that used to make me scream on the inside, because they weren’t walking fast enough. I miss the minor interactions in another language through out my day, sometimes putting a smile on my face. I miss eating Korean food whenever I wanted for cheap. As depressed as I was in many ways I miss the people, my school, my kids, my life. The closeness of everything that a city has to offer.

Coming from a city of 3 million people back down to a town of under 20,000 really makes a difference in one’s life. The worst part is I don’t really have friends nearby anymore, and if they are in driving distance they are still very far away. I can’t reach out and say let’s get a coffee and meet in 15 minutes. I don’t have that luxury anymore, and at times it drives me crazy. I feel isolated, alone, and alien – like. I don’t know how to fit in anymore. My life has diverged so far off the path in both places where I’ve lived it’s as if I’ve created a deserted island with no one  on it but me. I’m at a point my energy is so low, but I’m trying extra hard to keep it high and accomplishing small things everyday. Sometimes I wonder why things never go smoothly for me…is it me? Is it the world? Do I have shit luck?

I’m not really sure about it all but I know I’ll keep admiring blue skies and craving kimchi for probably as long as I’m going to be alive. I figure at some point I’ll figure everything out and I’ll be able to float by here while figuring out where my life should be headed next.

One thought on “Mocha Diaries: Of Blue Skies and Kimchi Cravings

  1. I think everybody feels that way sometimes. It’s hard when friends are spread out… all In good time… it will work out!

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