” Never set a limit on how much you can accomplish – no matter what your life has been like so far. Changing the mind isn’t like painting a room. You can change the color of a room in an hour. It takes a lot longer than that to transform an attitude of mind.”
– When the Chocolate Runs Out, Lama Yeshe
This quote really resonates with me. Lately, I have been doing a lot of reflecting on myself. On all different aspects of life there are areas of improvement needed. That is the reason I decided to let go and learn to love myself this year. The process has been slow and most of the time I feel I have made no improvement in this area. Which makes me feel like I have failed myself.
Lately, I have been thinking that I need to change the way I think and talk. Have you ever felt yourself becoming a bad person? Or maybe the wrong things are coming out of your mouth? It’s not that I do not mean those things when I speak, but rather they are a reflection of my character. I have a lot of expectations towards myself and others, many times I’m disappointed. Then I feel upset, because of that disappoint. So I have been pondering, how can I change? How can I become a better person? A more positive person?
I’m positive for everyone else in my life. Everyone except myself. I always retain a healthy dose of reality for myself and view life a bit on the pessimistic side. Not how I should live my life, but I do. When you realize that most of the things that you talk about are not positive, you start to feel like a burden. Ah, I’m a broken record again. Replaying all the shit… I still haven’t learned to deal with yet. It’s not that I didn’t know I was like that, instead I ignored it. But I’ve discovered my insecurities stemming from jealousy and comparison are the thieves of my happiness. Those are two friends who just happen to be around all the time in my mind. Jealousy and comparison are complicated emotions to deal with as well. It’s not as if, I can just kick them to the curb and say, ” Fuck off Jealousy!” or, “Fuck off Comparative Tendencies!” It just doesn’t quite work like that. After I spent a lot of time thinking I started to realize that I can be a bitch. More than likely I probably shouldn’t have been that way and I silently loathe myself for that behavior.
28…tick …tick….tick…tick…tick…tick…29! My age clock is ticking. It doesn’t have a lot of nice things to say to me either. Just a lot of self-criticism as to why I haven’t been able to find happiness yet. Good question! I, too, wonder that and realize I am to blame. There are certain aspects of my life I am okay with and that I am coming to terms with slowly. There are many other things I have not learned to let go of yet. I’m trying the best I can, but I easily relapse in my negative thinking. When that happens I say things that perhaps, I shouldn’t. Things that may make others uncomfortable or unhappy. It’s not who I want to be or how I want to be remembered. So here I am listening to that inward clock ticking and thinking I need to change. I really need to change.
There is a reflective moment in life when you realize the prime years that are always talked about in life are our teens and twenties. Well, so far, I have not enjoyed most of either. So if that is the prime of my life, well damn, I fucked up somewhere. I have become more of an open person in the last few years with my emotions and feelings as I thought it would be better to share than to deal with things alone. I’m now finding that maybe I am better off reflecting on those emotions, feelings and thoughts alone. I might not like listening to myself go on and on with negativity, but it’s better than becoming a broken record burden to others. The whole point of learning to love yourself is learning to accept, change, and grow into a version of yourself you do love and accept wholeheartedly.
The days I am good at this challenge I feel very proud of myself. I don’t shout it from the rooftops or share it with others, but I’m happy in that moment. In that moment I feel like just maybe I can go where I want in life. I’m at a crossroads in my life. I know that part of the reason I have a hard time moving forwards is because of the past and letting go of emotions attached to experiences. Those experiences are what have made me who I am today. Although I still feel that I have not dealt with all of my demons that haunt me and make it harder to live a positive life. That’s why I really like the quote from this book I am currently reading. I’m always told to change my mind and the way I think and it will be better. Problem is it is so hard to change that attitude of my mind that I struggle with it so often, I feel worn out most days. I know I have been a fuck up lately, but that is going to change so I am going to issue a little challenge to myself.
For the next month, I will not talk about anything negative. I will not talk about negative feelings, jealousy, etc. I will not compare myself with others and speak about it to them. I will not hold expectations towards others, so that I will not become disappointed anymore in them or myself. I will not over think or analyze things with friends that may end up with a negative spin on it. I will spend more time with myself as to grow as a person and find some of that inner peace. The calmness that accepts how life is and that I just need to roll with the punches. This is actually a tall order for myself, but I am hoping that it will help me to become a more positive person, a better friend, sister, aunt, and teacher.
I really need to focus the positive on myself before others so that I can be better towards everyone. Respecting and loving myself last does not help me or anyone else. So when that clock finally ticks to 29, I can feel like I am a better version of myself. I am a better person. I am a person who loves herself so that I will treat everyone how I treat myself. I should treat myself better or as good as I treat others. That is the lesson I am hoping to learn. I have a lot of maturing to do as a person and I hope that I can achieve it all.